questions

I have a lot going on in my head.

A lot of questions, mainly. Not necessarily questions that I'm "struggling" with. Not necessarily questions that I'm desperate to answer, or to have figured out. Rather, questions that I'm wrestling to live within.

I don't care if that doesn't make sense. And that in itself is a wonderful thing to say.

Here are the questions, as of right now:

"What am I being formed by?"
"Who am I becoming?"
"Do I love the written word of God?"
"Do people understand me?"
"Do I fit?"
"Does what moves me move others?"
"How can I discipline lovingly?"
"Does discipline work?"
"Where is the line between a 'mysterious' God and the 'revealed' God of the Bible?"
"What is the difference between the truth revealed generally in world and in the world's religious figures, and the truth revealed specifically in Jesus?"
"Can I communicate clearly?"
"Why don't I ever seem to want do the things that I should?"
"Why do I always seem to want to do the things I shouldn't?"
"What does it mean to be relevant?"
"What does a ministry look like that is not crafting some sort of religious image?"

I could go on. I could write about all of those questions. Maybe those are some of the things that are being rewritten. Yes, that is how I will view them. God is in the process of writing in me his answers to those questions.

But being written on is just not a very enjoyable place to be. As I write that, I feel like I should take it back, or at least qualify it with something like "but it's a privilege to have God writing in me". Yes, it is a privilege. And yes, in a very real way, I can say that I am both thankful and honored to have God writing in me. But it is also a very uncomfortable place to be.

I think it is uncomfortable because it is insecure. What will appear on the pages of my life? Will I let God write? Will I do the things that allow him to write? Or, will I close off some pages? Will I be satisfied with what he has written? Will I edit or white out to my detriment? What will other people think when they read me, or when they hear what I read? How is the world trying to write on me, or my church, or my friends, or my pride? Who is masquerading as God, forging his handwriting?

God, I pray: "Grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."