fatigue

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

Here's something that I just don't understand: why is it "tiring" to engage with God? I get tired of engaging with God. I wish that it was not that way. I wish that my desire for God was this romantic, linear, step-by-step, constant, day-by-day growth. It's not. I pursue, then I get tired, then I stop, then I start again.

I think this is a little bit of what Paul was talking about in Galatians. We get tired of "doing good"--not just of serving, or of being moral, or of doing what is right... but of doing good things with God. What is it about us that gets tired of doing good things with God?

I think I know the "right" answer(s) to this question--something along the lines of:

-the good that God desires is only somewhat natural for me to do... it still requires a good deal of effort and will against parts of my nature
-the good that God desires isn't always a "feel good" kind of good--dying to myself on the cross of Christ every day is not the most pleasant nor the easiest thing to do
-while I can say that, over the course of my life with God, my stamina for being with him and doing good things with him has increased, the cyclical nature of it all is sometimes more discouraging than encouraging

I am struck by this every weekend. I lead parts of our worship service through music. Music, like all art forms, has a way of revealing what is below the surface--the true nature of things--against what is really a façade. I've blogged about that here. My instrumentalists, like my vocalists, like me, all come into a place of worship with hearts of sinners. Perhaps we've hated our neighbor, perhaps we've been gluttons, perhaps we've been at war with our spouse or children, perhaps we've lusted, or perhaps we haven't felt love for God or God's love for us in far too long. And with these hearts we begin doing something--singing and playing God-songs together--that swiftly reveals to us and everyone around us what our hearts truly look like.

What's the alternative? Well, in some cases, it's doing the work of confession and repentance together before we worship through music. That's hard. In other cases, it is getting alone with God and doing some soul work before we even come to rehearsal. That's hard, too, because maybe God is the last person we feel like wants to be with us. Maybe he's the last person we want to be with. Maybe we don't like what we anticipate that he will tell us to do, say, or with whom we have to mend fences. Maybe we don't like having to see what's really in our hearts. No matter which alternative we choose--engaging with one another in confession, engaging with God alone in repentance, or refusing to engage at all--we are facing some hard work.

Doing good is hard, because doing good requires doing some soul work with God. And soul work is hard work.